Big News

Flush with victory over the duel with Count Dooku, Anakin Skywalker saunters over to Padme’s home to tell her the good news.

"Yo Padme! Hey! Where is you at? Have I got some super dope news to lay on you.”

“Ani! You’re okay!!!”

“Shuh! You’re damn straight I am. Which is a damn sight better than I can say for that decrepit old Jedi I just ganked.”

“You…killed Master Yoda?”

“What? Oh hell no. Count Dooku. Ya know…the one that always smells of Old Spice and fish sticks.”

“…Master Windu?”

“No no. It was- Shoot! Didn’ts ya hear it on the news? Didn’t ya see me mug the camera for all it was worth? Man, I hope my hair was illin’. I’d hate to think everyone saw the Chosen One with crunked up hair and spit.”

“No…no I wasn’t watching the….I mean, I had other things on my mind.”

“Damn girl, seeing you right now makes me get only one thing on my mind. Damn girl! You is sportn’ some fine bagels in yours hair.”

”Oh, you like them? It’s the new look. Everyone is wearing them.”

“Oh yeah…they is fine. I’d butter your bagels anytime fly-girl. Now come on over here and show your man some sugar.”

“Ani…we…need to talk.”

“Okay…we can say freaky things to each other while we…”

“No. I mean we really have to talk. It’s important. It can’t wait.”

“Oh…so it’s like that is it.”

“Anakin…I-I don’t quite know how to say this. We’ve been so quiet about our…relationship. So discreet. But now…everything’s changed.”

“What do you mean, babe? I haven’t changed. I’m still your souped up gangsta love monkey.”

“No. I’ve changed. Something has happened. Something wonderful. I-I hope you think it’s wonderful too.”

“Ya gots tickets ta Snoop Hutt?”

“No. I’m…expecting.”

“So you’re expecting to get tickets to Snoop Hutt.”

“No. It’s not that. It’s…as they say, the rabbit died.”

“What? Ya had to kill a rabbit to get tickets to Snoop Hutt?”

“What?”

“Damn, that’s cold. Even I wouldn’t go offing some poor defenseless bunny. That is unless it was some evil Sith bunny then I wouldst like slice in two like I did-“

“Ani! Listen to me. This is important.”

“Hell, I’m trying ta listen to ya, girl. But you ain’t makin’ no sense. Did you or did you ain’t get no Snoop Hutt tickets?”

“Ani…I’m with child.”

Anakin scans the room quickly. “You’re with a youngling? Where the hell is he at? He better not be hidin’ in the bathroom. I gots ta drop a duce pretty soon.”

“No Ani, I’m in a family way.”

“You in whoz family’s way?”

“Ani…can’t you tell…I’m knocked up!”

“Some one knocked ya up side the head? Sonofa…when I find out who-“

“Damn it, Anakin. I’m pregnant!!!”

“……”

“…With a child.”

“……”

“With your child.”

‘Woah! Whoah! Whoh!!! Now hold on there. There ain’t no way you can pin that on me.”

“Anakin…what are you saying? It’s yours. I haven’t been with anyone but you.”

“Shuh! How do I know that? Damn girl, you could have been with half the Jedi council while I’ve been out fightin’ the Sith and spit.”

“Please Ani…you have to believe me…It’s yours. It can’t be anyone else’s but yours.”

“Oh, it can’t, huh? Well…what about….what about…uh….Obi!”

“Obi Wan Kenobi?”
”Oh yeah! Don’t tell me you haven’t been dreamin’ about lickin’ those crusty Cheetos dusted fingers of his. I’ve seen the way you look at em.”

“How…how can you say that? After all we have gone through.”

“Hey don’t be messin’ with my head with those tears of yours. No one traps the Chosen One.”

“I’m not trying to trap you. It’s the truth.”

“Save it for your Kenobi knockwurst. There ain’t no way you’re gonna pin your secret love tryst child on me. Come ta think of it, I’m surprised at ya! Of all people ta go behind my back with…my own Jedi Master!”

“oh….oh Ani! How could you?!?!?”

Covering her face, Padme races out of the room in tears. Anakin just stands and watches her leave. After a moment or two, he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a “spice” cigarette and lights it up.

“Well, that went pretty good.”

Doofuses to the rescue!

High above Coruscant, on board his flag ship, the Invisible Touch, Count Dooku paces his private quarters and ponders his fate.

Never, in the oily darkness that has surrounded me, have I faltered. Never had I lost my footing in the shadows. Nothing has swayed me since I was swallowed into the madness of the Dark Side.

I have stood tall, commanding armies, training assassins, proudly fighting to balance the light and the dark.

Battling against the endless torrent of the foul Light Side, as it sought to extinguish the night.

I simply could not let this be.

So, as a man of principal and endless greed, I formed a lucrative competition. The Brownie Moguls would not own this galaxy. There is no tool more powerful to wield in the Dark Side than Capitalism.

I could have been more... persuasive, as there are multiple compounds, that, when mixed with cigar tobacco, could kill with little trace. It would do you well to remember that, my good Jawa.

In the ancient prophecies, there is to be a balance of light and darkness, good and evil, salty and sweet. The scales have been tipped by my former master.

My Master He is darkness, like the dusk that stealthily follows day, benignly trailing. He is the blackest pitch wrapped in a lie. His pawns wear the armour of knights, but all are expendable.

I suppose it is my lot in this tiresome life to be betrayed at every turn. First, I was ignored by the Jedi, as they denied the rights of races that didn't follow their doctrines, and then there was that time I spent as a Sleestak. Incarceration and that horrid game of Survivor. It is though I were a prolific actor, and the show must go on.

But, again, I felt the pain of betrayal. Or perhaps it was the swirling madness dredging up past indiscretions. This was unforgivable. My vast empire usurped, ripped away from my nurturing hands.

Palpatine had gone far too far, my good people.

McDooku's and Little Dooku Snacks brought in a corporate take-over.

I was, at least, compensated this time.

I suppose that he had found me in a moment of weakness, my vintage Fender Stratocaster in my hands, and brownies on my breath. He manipulated me, as he always had, toying with my fragile sanity, unraveling the frayed tendrils of my mind.

His darkness went far beyond anything I could tap into.

I do look better in black than he ever could, mind you (barring the white spats, as the darkest ensemble requires the utmost class).

As I sit here, with my meager prize in hand, staring into its polished surface, I wonder if it was all worth it. The years of Darkness Correspondence Training (with a minor certificate in TV/VCR repair), brownie flashbacks, and botched magic spells were truly worth the despair and madness that snuffed out the light within. If in my palm was the key to enlightenment, the great leveler, the one ring to rule them all... Wait... What? Never-mind, old chap. Was the trade fair?

Well, it is the most spiffing Yo-Yo this galaxy has ever seen.

"Look! I can make it walk the dog!"

But now it seems like my past has finally caught up with me. It seems those Jedi fools are actually attempting to attack me in a pitiful ploy to grab chancellor Palpatine. I wonder who those high and mighty Jedi chose to dare take me on? I wonder if I’ll have time for a spot of tea before they come on board?

Outside, a war is waged. Clones of the republic battle the droid army of the separatists in ships that resemble x-wing and tie-fighters. No…we ain’t makin’ this crap up.

Two ships among the thousands weave their way through impossible battles, desperate to find their final destination before it is two late.

Obi Wan: Now…now hold on there, Anakin. Don’t yall get too far ahead of me again. We need to work together as a team. Don’t be all fancy like with your flying.

Anakin: Hey, don’t be getting all up in my grill, master. I knows whats ta be done. I was just taking care of the last of these here buzz-kill droids for ya.

Obi Wan: Oh…well…thank you Anakin. I didn’t see them.

Anakin: Didn’t see them? They was all mackin’ on your right wing. If I didn’t scrape them off just now you would be one dead mo***r f*****g Jedi right now.

Obi Wan: Anakin, a Jedi does not use such language.

Anakin: Yeah…whatevs! Damn, I wish I didn’t have that third chili dog before we left on our mission. Ya think the Invisible Touch has a bathroom on board?

Obi Wan: Anakin, keep your mind on the mission. We have to stop Dooku.

Anakin: Yeah, yeah. I know. But I’m cramping bad, dog.

Obi-Wan: Just lead us to the docking bay…where ever that may be.

Anakin: What do you mean? It’s right there!!

Obi-Wan: Right….where?

Anakin: What? Right in front of you. Are ya blind or somthin’?

Obi Wan: What? No…um where? I…uh….smack smack…wait a second…I think I have a small malfunction over here.

Anakin: Malfunction? What kinda’ mal….wait a second! Master did you open up some Cheetoes while fighting in zero gravity?

Obi Wan: Uh…..no. well...uh maybe.

Written by Rebecca/Eric

Council of Doofuses

Spread out over the Republic the Jedi are. Stretched us thin the war has. Yet, arisen a dire situation has. The Council's immediate attention it demands. So called an emergency meeting was.

"Fellow members of the Council," I said, "relieved I am that come, so many of you could. Arisen, a very urgent matter has..."

"Sorry I'm late," Ki Adi Mundi's holographic transmission it was.

















"Master Mundi," I said, "see through you, I can! Hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

"Yes, well."

"Hee hee hee hee hee! Get it, do you? See through you I can! Hee hee hee hee!"

"OK, then."

"The matter what is, Mundi? Think it is funny you do not?"

"Oh, I thought it was quite humorous... the first seventeen times you said it."

"Made that joke before I have?"

"Master Yoda, you tell that joke at every Council meeting, every single time one of us attends via hologram. You really should have your mental acuity checked."

"Hmph! Forget this I will not! Anyway, on to the very urgent matter..."

"Hello? Hello? Can youns hear me now? Hello?" Kenobi's holographic transmission it was.

"Kenobi, take your finger off the button when done speaking you are..."

"Hello? Hello? Can youns hear me? I cain't hear none of youns."

"Kenobi! Your finger off the button take..."

"Hello? Can youns hear me?"

Across the vast stretch of space I reached with my mind... All the way to Kenobi I reached...

"YEOOOOWWWWW!"

A Force-wedgie I gave him.

"Kenobi, carefully to me listen. Your finger off the button you must take when speaking you are not. Otherwise, hear us you can not."

"OK, but now I cain't see none of youns."

"Turn around, Kenobi. The wrong way you are facing."

"Oh, yeah. I see youns now."

"Well, Kenobi, see through... uh, nevermind. Listen, everyone! A very urgent matter..."

SQUEEEEEEEAK!

"What the Mustafar is that?" Master T'un said.

"From outside that is. Jar Jar it is. Trying to pick up some extra credits by washing windows, he is."

"He's streaking up the windows."

"Surprised are you?"

"I guess not."

"Listen! A very, very urgent matter there is..."

Mundi interrupted, "For the love of the Force, man! What is it? I've almost used up my minutes for the month!"

"If interrupting me, everyone would stop, tell you I would! OK, here the urgent matter is... very dire the situation is... Broken, the ice cream machine in the Temple cafeteria is."

"Pardon me, Master Yoda," Master T'un said, "but shouldn't we discuss the Chancellor being kidnapped?"

"Fine! About something important I wanted to speak, but your way have it! Yes, kidnapped, the Chancellor has been. Abducted by..."

Just then, in Windu barged, "Sorry I'm late, man. What's all this about 'counting donkeys'?"

"No, Windu. Too much wax you have in your ears. Count Dooku, not 'counting donkeys'. Abducted Chancellor Palpatine, Count Dooku has."

"Oh, I guess that does make more sense."

"The question this raises," I said, "Do what about this, will we?"

"Whoa, man, I mean, just whoa!" Qui Gon Jinn said. To the meeting we had invited him, mostly because he would bring brownies, we hoped. Since invisible he is now, that he was there I almost forgot. "Like, what do you mean 'do what about this, will we'? We gotta go save Palps, man! We can't just let him die! That would be a total downer."

"Jinn," I said, "get us a batch of those brownies, would you?"

"Oh, uh, of course, Master."

Once his cowbell I could hear no longer, the Council I addressed again, "Really, should we do anything about this, the question is. I think the reason I ask this, we all know."

"It wrinkles my beautiful, shiny cranium to say this," Windu said, "but I agree with you. Palpatine is the Sith Lord. We all feel it. We all know it."

"Yes," Mundi agreed, "We all know this. We would be pretty stupid not to know it."

Windu nodded, "You got that right. We'd have to be idiots not to have figured that out after all these years! What with all of our Jedi wisdom and intuition, it wouldn't make any sense for us not to know! It... it... it would be like a really bad movie plot, or something!"

"But we can't prove it," Mundi added, "So, if we do nothing, and let the Chancellor die, we will be held accountable by the Republic. But if we save him, we will still have a Sith lord on our hands. And he will be more powerful than ever."

"Hello? Hello? I cain't hear youns no more. Hello?"

"Obi-wan," Windu said, "take your finger off... wait. Yoda, what are you doing? Have you cut off the sound to him?"

"A solution to our problem, I may have. Kenobi and Young Skywalker to rescue the Chancellor we will send."

"What?" Windu blurted.

"That's brilliant!" T'un said.

"Yes," Mundi agreed, "quite brilliant. Masterful, in fact."

"Yes, screw this up those two surely will. Rescue the Chancellor they will not. Already spanked by Dooku they have been. But see this, the people will not. Only that we have sent two of our 'best Jedi' to save the Chancellor they will see. Gone, the Sith lord will stay, and held accountable we will not be. Be solved, our problem will. Hmm... yes."

In agreement, the entire Council nodded.

Kenobi's sound I turned back on. "Kenobi, an important mission we have for you and Young Skywalker..."

Later, when about the mission Jinn heard, permission to go along, he asked. Hurt anything, it would not, I thought. Much good in a lightsaber fight Jinn never was. Always in his eyes, his long hippie hair would be.

Later, screaming we could hear outside the window, "Help! Meesa abouts to fallsa! Help!"

To the window we all ran.

From his harness, Jar Jar slipped and all the way to the ground he started to fall. On the way, struck by lightning several times he was. Then by several speeders he was hit. Then the ground he hit. A crater he made.

"Maybe he survived," Windu said, "there could be a chance."

Just then, over Jar Jar a steam roller rolled.

"There still might be a chance," Windu said.

Then, through the street a Bantha stampede ran.

"A Bantha stampede?" I said, "In the middle of Coruscant?"

Right on top of Jar Jar every single Bantha trampled.

"Well," T'un said, "that's something you don't see everyday."

"Now," Mundi interrupted, "about that ice cream machine..."