Monday, October 29, 2007

Big News

Flush with victory over the duel with Count Dooku, Anakin Skywalker saunters over to Padme’s home to tell her the good news.

"Yo Padme! Hey! Where is you at? Have I got some super dope news to lay on you.”

“Ani! You’re okay!!!”

“Shuh! You’re damn straight I am. Which is a damn sight better than I can say for that decrepit old Jedi I just ganked.”

“You…killed Master Yoda?”

“What? Oh hell no. Count Dooku. Ya know…the one that always smells of Old Spice and fish sticks.”

“…Master Windu?”

“No no. It was- Shoot! Didn’ts ya hear it on the news? Didn’t ya see me mug the camera for all it was worth? Man, I hope my hair was illin’. I’d hate to think everyone saw the Chosen One with crunked up hair and spit.”

“No…no I wasn’t watching the….I mean, I had other things on my mind.”

“Damn girl, seeing you right now makes me get only one thing on my mind. Damn girl! You is sportn’ some fine bagels in yours hair.”

”Oh, you like them? It’s the new look. Everyone is wearing them.”

“Oh yeah…they is fine. I’d butter your bagels anytime fly-girl. Now come on over here and show your man some sugar.”

“Ani…we…need to talk.”

“Okay…we can say freaky things to each other while we…”

“No. I mean we really have to talk. It’s important. It can’t wait.”

“Oh…so it’s like that is it.”

“Anakin…I-I don’t quite know how to say this. We’ve been so quiet about our…relationship. So discreet. But now…everything’s changed.”

“What do you mean, babe? I haven’t changed. I’m still your souped up gangsta love monkey.”

“No. I’ve changed. Something has happened. Something wonderful. I-I hope you think it’s wonderful too.”

“Ya gots tickets ta Snoop Hutt?”

“No. I’m…expecting.”

“So you’re expecting to get tickets to Snoop Hutt.”

“No. It’s not that. It’s…as they say, the rabbit died.”

“What? Ya had to kill a rabbit to get tickets to Snoop Hutt?”


“Damn, that’s cold. Even I wouldn’t go offing some poor defenseless bunny. That is unless it was some evil Sith bunny then I wouldst like slice in two like I did-“

“Ani! Listen to me. This is important.”

“Hell, I’m trying ta listen to ya, girl. But you ain’t makin’ no sense. Did you or did you ain’t get no Snoop Hutt tickets?”

“Ani…I’m with child.”

Anakin scans the room quickly. “You’re with a youngling? Where the hell is he at? He better not be hidin’ in the bathroom. I gots ta drop a duce pretty soon.”

“No Ani, I’m in a family way.”

“You in whoz family’s way?”

“Ani…can’t you tell…I’m knocked up!”

“Some one knocked ya up side the head? Sonofa…when I find out who-“

“Damn it, Anakin. I’m pregnant!!!”


“…With a child.”


“With your child.”

‘Woah! Whoah! Whoh!!! Now hold on there. There ain’t no way you can pin that on me.”

“Anakin…what are you saying? It’s yours. I haven’t been with anyone but you.”

“Shuh! How do I know that? Damn girl, you could have been with half the Jedi council while I’ve been out fightin’ the Sith and spit.”

“Please Ani…you have to believe me…It’s yours. It can’t be anyone else’s but yours.”

“Oh, it can’t, huh? Well…what about….what about…uh….Obi!”

“Obi Wan Kenobi?”
”Oh yeah! Don’t tell me you haven’t been dreamin’ about lickin’ those crusty Cheetos dusted fingers of his. I’ve seen the way you look at em.”

“How…how can you say that? After all we have gone through.”

“Hey don’t be messin’ with my head with those tears of yours. No one traps the Chosen One.”

“I’m not trying to trap you. It’s the truth.”

“Save it for your Kenobi knockwurst. There ain’t no way you’re gonna pin your secret love tryst child on me. Come ta think of it, I’m surprised at ya! Of all people ta go behind my back with…my own Jedi Master!”

“oh….oh Ani! How could you?!?!?”

Covering her face, Padme races out of the room in tears. Anakin just stands and watches her leave. After a moment or two, he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a “spice” cigarette and lights it up.

“Well, that went pretty good.”


Master Yoda said...

Hungry, Senator Amidala's hair often makes me.

Of course, not as bad as the time she wore pork chops in her hair, this is.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Did Aniknin get dumber as the conversation went on?

Mmmmm, pork chops in hair......

Anonymous said...

he looks like a bad evil person

SHI said...

I guess its better than a beehive

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

"I’m still your souped up gangsta love monkey"

That the phrase that get the chicks into bed. Right up there with "Dang! yo @zz is so fine!"

Fluke Starbucker said...

That's odd Master Yoda; Senator Amidala herself often makes me hungry.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Wow, I haven't heard 'killed the rabbit' in a long time. Nice to see Couruscant is up on the latest medical advances.

She should have told him she was about to be his baby mama

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

*spits drink* OMG that was funny!