Monday, September 24, 2007

Council of Doofuses

Spread out over the Republic the Jedi are. Stretched us thin the war has. Yet, arisen a dire situation has. The Council's immediate attention it demands. So called an emergency meeting was.

"Fellow members of the Council," I said, "relieved I am that come, so many of you could. Arisen, a very urgent matter has..."

"Sorry I'm late," Ki Adi Mundi's holographic transmission it was.

"Master Mundi," I said, "see through you, I can! Hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

"Yes, well."

"Hee hee hee hee hee! Get it, do you? See through you I can! Hee hee hee hee!"

"OK, then."

"The matter what is, Mundi? Think it is funny you do not?"

"Oh, I thought it was quite humorous... the first seventeen times you said it."

"Made that joke before I have?"

"Master Yoda, you tell that joke at every Council meeting, every single time one of us attends via hologram. You really should have your mental acuity checked."

"Hmph! Forget this I will not! Anyway, on to the very urgent matter..."

"Hello? Hello? Can youns hear me now? Hello?" Kenobi's holographic transmission it was.

"Kenobi, take your finger off the button when done speaking you are..."

"Hello? Hello? Can youns hear me? I cain't hear none of youns."

"Kenobi! Your finger off the button take..."

"Hello? Can youns hear me?"

Across the vast stretch of space I reached with my mind... All the way to Kenobi I reached...


A Force-wedgie I gave him.

"Kenobi, carefully to me listen. Your finger off the button you must take when speaking you are not. Otherwise, hear us you can not."

"OK, but now I cain't see none of youns."

"Turn around, Kenobi. The wrong way you are facing."

"Oh, yeah. I see youns now."

"Well, Kenobi, see through... uh, nevermind. Listen, everyone! A very urgent matter..."


"What the Mustafar is that?" Master T'un said.

"From outside that is. Jar Jar it is. Trying to pick up some extra credits by washing windows, he is."

"He's streaking up the windows."

"Surprised are you?"

"I guess not."

"Listen! A very, very urgent matter there is..."

Mundi interrupted, "For the love of the Force, man! What is it? I've almost used up my minutes for the month!"

"If interrupting me, everyone would stop, tell you I would! OK, here the urgent matter is... very dire the situation is... Broken, the ice cream machine in the Temple cafeteria is."

"Pardon me, Master Yoda," Master T'un said, "but shouldn't we discuss the Chancellor being kidnapped?"

"Fine! About something important I wanted to speak, but your way have it! Yes, kidnapped, the Chancellor has been. Abducted by..."

Just then, in Windu barged, "Sorry I'm late, man. What's all this about 'counting donkeys'?"

"No, Windu. Too much wax you have in your ears. Count Dooku, not 'counting donkeys'. Abducted Chancellor Palpatine, Count Dooku has."

"Oh, I guess that does make more sense."

"The question this raises," I said, "Do what about this, will we?"

"Whoa, man, I mean, just whoa!" Qui Gon Jinn said. To the meeting we had invited him, mostly because he would bring brownies, we hoped. Since invisible he is now, that he was there I almost forgot. "Like, what do you mean 'do what about this, will we'? We gotta go save Palps, man! We can't just let him die! That would be a total downer."

"Jinn," I said, "get us a batch of those brownies, would you?"

"Oh, uh, of course, Master."

Once his cowbell I could hear no longer, the Council I addressed again, "Really, should we do anything about this, the question is. I think the reason I ask this, we all know."

"It wrinkles my beautiful, shiny cranium to say this," Windu said, "but I agree with you. Palpatine is the Sith Lord. We all feel it. We all know it."

"Yes," Mundi agreed, "We all know this. We would be pretty stupid not to know it."

Windu nodded, "You got that right. We'd have to be idiots not to have figured that out after all these years! What with all of our Jedi wisdom and intuition, it wouldn't make any sense for us not to know! It... it... it would be like a really bad movie plot, or something!"

"But we can't prove it," Mundi added, "So, if we do nothing, and let the Chancellor die, we will be held accountable by the Republic. But if we save him, we will still have a Sith lord on our hands. And he will be more powerful than ever."

"Hello? Hello? I cain't hear youns no more. Hello?"

"Obi-wan," Windu said, "take your finger off... wait. Yoda, what are you doing? Have you cut off the sound to him?"

"A solution to our problem, I may have. Kenobi and Young Skywalker to rescue the Chancellor we will send."

"What?" Windu blurted.

"That's brilliant!" T'un said.

"Yes," Mundi agreed, "quite brilliant. Masterful, in fact."

"Yes, screw this up those two surely will. Rescue the Chancellor they will not. Already spanked by Dooku they have been. But see this, the people will not. Only that we have sent two of our 'best Jedi' to save the Chancellor they will see. Gone, the Sith lord will stay, and held accountable we will not be. Be solved, our problem will. Hmm... yes."

In agreement, the entire Council nodded.

Kenobi's sound I turned back on. "Kenobi, an important mission we have for you and Young Skywalker..."

Later, when about the mission Jinn heard, permission to go along, he asked. Hurt anything, it would not, I thought. Much good in a lightsaber fight Jinn never was. Always in his eyes, his long hippie hair would be.

Later, screaming we could hear outside the window, "Help! Meesa abouts to fallsa! Help!"

To the window we all ran.

From his harness, Jar Jar slipped and all the way to the ground he started to fall. On the way, struck by lightning several times he was. Then by several speeders he was hit. Then the ground he hit. A crater he made.

"Maybe he survived," Windu said, "there could be a chance."

Just then, over Jar Jar a steam roller rolled.

"There still might be a chance," Windu said.

Then, through the street a Bantha stampede ran.

"A Bantha stampede?" I said, "In the middle of Coruscant?"

Right on top of Jar Jar every single Bantha trampled.

"Well," T'un said, "that's something you don't see everyday."

"Now," Mundi interrupted, "about that ice cream machine..."

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Okay. Thank you all for your patience.

I think we are finally ready to begin.

The "not ready for Star Wars players" are proud to present….

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

J.J. : Alone Time


Hmmm… There doesn’t seem to be anyone around. And I mean no one.

Wow. I guess this emergency meeting of the Jedi’s called in everyone in the Temple. Even Qui-Gon was asked to float in on it. I wonder what the trouble is?

Oh well. I guess if I’m faced with spending a few hours alone in this big ol place, I only have one recourse left to me….

Friday, September 14, 2007

Mace Windu: Stand up and Sing

What the hell is going on in this place?! Sheeeooot! As you may all well know, I am not a complainer. I’m a problem solver. When things go wrong, I like for everyone to come together, sit down, and talk about it for hours on end. It’s called getting in touch with your feelings, fool. You should try it some time.

Unfortunately, no one likes to talk at any great length in the Jedi Temple, except for maybe Master Yoda, and who can understand what the hell he’s saying half the time anyway.

But the Jedi Temple has been besieged with practical jokers of late. And most of them for some unknown reason are directed at me. Something the Force decided not reveal to me until after the fact. What the hell are force visions good for after the fact.

Take the other day. Someone decided it would be funny to spread Chia seeds on my beautiful scalp while I was sleeping. For days I had little green leaves sprouting all over my once wonderful cranium. It was maddening! It took me weeks of scalp treatments, moisturizing and pruning to get back my glowing beautiful man skull. And even now it’s not at its peek shininess. My crainiumologist suggested I try this…

And you know, the damn things actually work! And not a moment too soon. You see, being a Jedi knight and a present in the universe for good is all well and all but a man needs to feel like a man sometimes. A man needs to get out among other men and shine in all his gloriousness sometimes. A man needs to sing!!

That’s right! That’s what I said! Sing! Do you have a problem with that? Does singing and the occasional dancing make you less of a man? I thought not.

That’s why I signed myself up at the local community theater. There I can sing and dance and wear tights like other real men.

In fact, I got the lead in the new musical rendition of “Hair”. Yeah, you heard me. But you see, I’m a natural entertainer. I can pull off anything including singing about hair. In fact, the director said I was perfect for the part.

Now if I can just get some of the other Jedi to join up we’ll have a regular Hoot-n-nanny, as the kids say.

I got to go now. There seems to be some trouble at the galactic senate that the Jedi have to address. Something about Senator Palpatine being abducted by a donkey that counts, or something like that. What in the world has the Jedi been reduced to?!? Saving people from counting donkeys?

Monday, September 10, 2007

Hidden treasures

So okay, maybe it wasn’t the best of idea’s to put all of Qui-Gon’s souvenir junk in the room upstairs. How were we to know it was Yoda’s room? After all, it was Kenobi’s suggestion. Right there, that should have put up warning flags.

After that, Obi Wan had to see Yoda personally in the Jedi council room. I heard, what with all the force wedgies administered, ol Kenobi couldn’t sit down for a week.

Soon afterwards, Yoda had all that stuff sent to the Jedi treasury. My little shell-like ears picked up. A treasury? What could possibly be in there? The Jedi aren’t supposed to be interested in the monetary things of this world and they aren’t supposed to want for money. (For the life of me, I just can’t wrap my mind around that idea…)

Curious, I took a stroll down to the Jedi Vault on the pretext of wanting to check Qui-Gon’s stuff to make sure it was okay.

Inside I found the most unusual sites of my life. Within the Vault I saw hundreds of these rare toys.

That’s a good start for an Ewok.

Oooo! Look at the craftsmanship on that figure.

mmmm…and it smells like bacon too.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

JawaJuice: Timeshare at the Temple

With our home gone, our brownie business lost, and hardly a credit to our name, Qui Gon and myself did the only thing two self-reliant beings could do.

We see if a friend will let us crash with them.

Qui insisted that Obi Wan would let us stay with him in the Jedi Temple. I was a bit more hesitant. I still have vivid nightmares of the other time we had to stay with him.

“Well, I’m sure we can stay in one of the empty rooms at the temple,” said Qui Gon. I remember there were plenty of empty rooms on the third floor for when we let the frogs out.”

I gave a wary sideways glance to my companion but thought better to ask.

So we hoofed it over to the Jedi Temple. Not much had changed since our last visit. I see Anakin and Padme are still involved in their not so clandestine love tryst. I think everyone knows about those two except those two. …and Obi Wan.

We first sought out Obs, who just happened to be in the meeting room with Mace Windu. It seems someone turned poor master Windu’s head into a Chia-Pet.

Doesn’t look that bad, actually. Unfortunately, he didn’t think so.

“Oh hell no!!! HELLLLLLL NOOOOO! When I get my hands on the fool who did this, I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger that would attempt to poison my pretty, pretty head. And he will know my name is Mace Windu when I lay my vengeance upon thee! What are you laughing at, Kenobi?”

After ol Ben stopped his snickering, he came and gave me a warm hug, which left a nice layer of Cheeto dust on my cowl. He then gazed at the floating poncho and cow bell next to me.

“Oh Jeez. Where did you get the cow force ghost?”

Suddenly something smacked him upside the head.

“Oh, master…is that you? I thought you was a cow. So um…are you guys back to watch the monster truck mud wrestling? They finally found a way to make two big, big, gigantic, big, big trucks wrestle. It’s like wrestling and trucks…together…”

“um…maybe later. Ya see, we’re a little down on our luck at the moment and wondered if we could crash here at the temple for a little while. Qui tells me there are some rooms on the third floor that are free.”
”Third floor? Um…I don’t think so, J.J. They converted most of those rooms so that we can play miniatures. But hey, there’s a free room just down the hall from mine if you two don’t mind sharing?”

“It will have to do. Let’s see it.”

Five minutes later and we were standing before…

“…a closet? You want us to live…in a closet?”

“Well, it is a big walk-in closet, J.J.,” consoled Qui Gon. “We can both fit in here for the time being.”

“Fine…what ever. Send in some cots…and a bucket of sand or two.”

Just then a man from GPS (Galactic Percales Service) walked up to us. “Mr. Q.G. Jinn?”

“I’ll sign for him,” I told the man. “What is it?”

”I got 48 boxes shipped from the Tropic-0 cruse line.”

“Oh wow man…That’s like…all my souvenirs. That will make the place all homey like.”

“Um…I hate to break it to you Q.G., but as you can see, our new living accommodations…AINT GONNA FIT ALL THAT CRAP! I mean, look at all this stuff? Where are we going to put it?”

“Oh, hey, I know…” Obi Wan jumped in. “There’s another closet space on one of the top floors of the temple. Not too many people go up there. You can use that.”

“Sure no one is going to mind?”

”OH no. I never see anyone in there anyway. It’s all good.”

“Well, as long as it doesn’t belong to anyone…”