Now, deep inside the droid infested halls, Obi Wan and his padawan Anakin Skywalker (aka the chosen one, aka teh gangsta Jedi, aka Palpatine’s whipping boy…) make a dash to Count Dooku’s personal chambers without drawing any attention to them. Unfortunately, Obi Wan happened to have seen his favorite ride and had to go for a spin or two.
“Master, we gots ta get a move on it. Don’t you think you’ve had enough ‘spin-the-Jedi’ time? Bissides…we’re running out of quarters and I aints spotting you any more money until you pay me back for those Puff-n-Stuff mail order leotards.”
“Oh…darn. Very well. I guess we should head on over and deal with Count Dooku now.”
“Shuh! Ya think?”
“C’mon. I know exactly where he’s at. I can feel a disturbance in the Force. Oh wait…that’s the room spinning. I…I think I’ma gonna…gonna….RRRRRoooollllllllfff!!”
“Dude, I am not cleaning that up.”
Twenty minutes and three breath mints later, the two Jedis finally find their way to the inner sanctum of Count Dooku. With lightsabers blazing, they force their way in for the final confrontation. Inside they see Chancellor Palpatine chained to a chair and tauntingly surrounded by Little Dooku snacks. “oh thank heaven you’ve arrived,” he gasped. “Count Dooku here was about to force feed me some of his expired snacks again.”
“That’s no prob, Palps. That’s why we is here. Ain’t that right, Obs?”
“That an the dryer.”
“Ah….Obi Wan Kenobi. And Anakin Skywalker. I was wondering who they were going to send.” Count Dooku smirked as he walked closer to them; his red lightsaber a-glow. “The Jedi Council must truly be desperate to be sending in the likes of you two. A pity. I was so looking forward to showing off some of my new tricks.”
“The only tricks you’re gonna do, ya ol geezer, are the kinds they do downtown on the street corner for a buck fifty.”
“…? That doesn’t even make sense, dear boy.”
“Whateves. It sounded cool. That’s all that matters.”
“Enough of this," Obi Wan stammered. "Count Dooku, you are under arrest for the kidnapping of Chancellor Palpatine. Come with us quietly or we will be forced to use the Force.”
“oh my. And I was so trying not to have your asses served to you by an ‘old geezer’. Very well. Let’s have it now.”
The two Jedi advanced cautiously. Count Dooku stood his ground. Suddenly, the two Jedi struck only to be parried by the Count’s own lightsaber.
“Is that the best you two can do? My basset hound can fight better than this.”
“Your basset hound or yo mama!!”
“Shuddup. Whateves. I’m improvising.”
“Anakin, we must separate and take him from both sides,” Obi Wan directed.
“No probs, master. I’ll keep him occupied and you just wail on him.”
While Anakin and Dooku fight vigorously, Obi Wan calculates the right time to attack. When he sees his opening he lunges forward…then suddenly…
“Oh….oh…the room is spinning again…I…..I…” The Jedi steps on his robes and slips on the slick metal floor. Within moments his head cracks on the floor and he is out cold.
“I’m afraid, dear boy, that it’s just us two again. I do look forward to taking your other hand. You know, I still have your first hand back at my villa. I use it to wipe my ass, you know.”
“Arrrrrrrrgh!” Filled with rage at the thought of his old hand touching the decrepit Jedi’s pimply ass, Anakin flings himself at him with all his might and anger. All the while, Palpatine watches with glee in his eye.
“Damn it! Will someone wipe this glee out of my eye, I can’t see. Ah, that’s better. Yes…yes….use your hate Anakin. It makes you stronger.”
“Come now, young Jedi,” Dooku spoke between thrusts. “What do you care if he lives or dies? He took everything from me. My snacks…my Rooku McDooku franchise…my limited edition gold plated Sigmund and the Sea Monster tricycle. What else do I have to live for?”
“I don’t care what kinda gripes ya got with ol Palps. I’m just here to even the score…with your hand!”
“Oh, and I suppose a young upstart like yourself actually thinks he could take off a hand from a mighty Sith Lord such as myself? I would sooner believe…
“?!?! That…that was my yo-yo hand. How? How…how am I to use my new yo-yo now?”
“My…my other hand….my dueling hand…how did…?”
“Oh dear…that was my good soccer foot. Now you’ve really done it. I’m going to…”
“That was my brandy snifter nose…”
“my…my nudging elbow…”
“My dancing leg….”
“My…my Twi’lek ticker….oh I should say I’m going to dearly miss that too…”
“My ass kicking leg. I…I give! I give!!!”
“No. Finish him Anakin.” Palpatine prompted. “Kill him. Kill him now.”
“But sir…that would be unkind.”
“Oh, and leaving me a blood stump is just fine and dandy, is it?” Count Dooku whimpered squirming on the ground with blood spirting everywhere.
“Shuddup! It’s only a flesh wound.” Anakin shot back.
“You must finish him,” Palpatine continued. “He is just a blood stump. How can a Sith Lord with no legs or hands be of any use to me?”
“I….I can’t. It’s just not right.”
“You know....He had sex with your mother.”
And the head of Count Dooku rolls lifelessly away.
“Good. Now undo these manacles that I could have so easily slipped out of any time I wanted to but needed you to do it for me.”
Anakin obeys. “man, I got his blood all over my illin’ black clothes. You know how hard it is to get blood stains out of threads like these.”
“Oh believe me, I do. ahem. I mean...Never mind that. I’ll buy you some new ones. We must leave the ship. I just heard the main reactor blow. It won’t be long before this ship plummets to the ground.”
“Wait. What about Obi Wan?”
“Leave him. One less redneck Jedi in the world.”
“I can’t leave him. He still owes me money.”
“Very well. But we must hurry. I feel that General Grievous has left the ship. There is no one left to pilot it. We must leave before…”
“What do you mean no one left to pilot it? Who do you think you’re talkin’ to?”
Palpatine glanced over towards Anakin with wide innocent eyes. “Why….the most super fly gangsta Jedi Chosen One space pilot with the most illin’ bling bling robo-claw around.”
“You’re damn right, fool. Now get me to the bridge. I’ll land this hunk o junk.”
Within minuets they reach the deserted bridge. Anakin takes the wheel and tries desperately to take control. Out side, the ship blazes in a fireball hurtling towards the ground.
“We’re coming in too fast. We’ll burn up. We need to cool off somehow.”
“Not if I can help it, Palps. I just called the space port to send us some cooling ships to dowse us but good.”
“Mere water will do nothing to this glowing hull. We’re doomed.”
“If they use water maybe. But these guys are professionals. They use the one liquid that can withstand the hottest temperatures of Tatooine and still hold up under pressure. Bantha urine!!!”
“There, that ought to do it. Now if I can just find a place to land this thing.”
“Ah. How about that area over there. There doesn’t seem to be hardly anyone along that street at all. Except for one lone person.”
“Not his lucky day, is it Palps. Oh well. I’ll have ta do it. Here goes nothing…”
While down below, a single Gungan walks the streets with a stiff limp and sore arms.