My Wood Chipper and Some Other Things

I was perty tired from all that fightin' droids and savin' old Palpatine and whatnot. So I decided to sit in my room awhile and relax with my wood chipper. There ain't nothin' makes me more relaxed than puttin' stuff in that there wood chipper and watchin' it fly out the window in a buncha little bitty pieces.

'Course, you gotta watch real close, 'cause stuff flies through that machine perty fast:

Six months of (mostly) empty pizza boxes? Throw 'em in there. Rrrrrrrr Zzzip! Pizza box confetti.

300 pounds of empty (really empty, licked clean and everything) Cheetos bags? Rrrrrrr Zzzzip! Cheetos bag confetti.

Yoda's sofa cushions that he likes to close up all fancy-like in plastic? Rrrrrr Zzzzzip! Sofa cushion confetti.

Sometimes, I try to do it around sunrise. That's when old Mace opens his window so he can look at the sun shine on his head or sumthin stupid like that. Anyway, if the wind is just right, all that stuff will blow right out from my wood chipper and right into his room. Just hearing him scream like a little girl makes all them credits I spend on them there monthly wood chipper payments worth it.

So I'm just sittin' there, enjoyin' my day when I hear somebody knockin' on my door. I figured it was Yoda come to tell me to knock off the noise and probably hit me in the head with his cane. So I decided to be real smart and trick him into thinkin' I wasn't there. "I ain't here!" I yelled.

"That ought to fool him," I thought.

But then I heard someone at the door say, "Obi-wan?"

It was Padme! I guess she didn't hear me when I said I wasn't there. So I told her to come in.

"Hey, Padme! Good to see you! How you been doin'? Good?"

She looked over at my wood chipper. "Ok, like, what is that?"

"That's my wood chipper! Ain't you never seen one of them before?"

"Why do you have a... ok, whatever. Listen, I've got something like, really, really important to talk to you about... like, really important."

"Look," I said, "I don't know how them there Cheetos got in your hot tub, or your water bed. It ain't like I come over to your apartment when you're gone and use your place and wear your bath robe or nothin' like that."

"No, it's not about... wait, what?"

"And because panty hose make good strainers and you were out of coffee filters don't mean I used your panty hose to make coffee. I mean that don't even make no sense..."

Padme put her hand up. "Ok, stop. You're totally creeping me out. Listen, I need to talk to you about something that's like a really, really big deal. So I need you to, like, you know, act normal for a couple of minutes and not act all weird or anything, 'kay?"

I could tell she was perty sad, almost like she was gettin ready to cry or sumthin. "What's the matter, Padme?"

Just then, she threw her arms around me and started bawling her eyes out all over my robe. She started sayin' sumthin, too. I couldn't understand most of it, but it sounded a lot like, "Oh Obi I'm gonna have a baby and Anakin is acting like totally lame about it and he says he's not the father and anybody could be the father he says even you could be the father can you imagine I mean no offense but as if I mean eww I mean come on and besides I wouldn't be unfaithful to Ani we're married for crying out loud oh did I forget to mention we're married yeah well anyway I'm totally bummed wait my nose is running snuuurk thanks anyway I don't know what to do I'm like totally alone what's this orange stain on your robe gross anyway I'm totally freaking out I like don't know what I'm going to do! WAAAAAAAAH!"

I held that little girl's face in my hands and said, "Don't worry, Darlin'. I'm gonna take care of everything."

She smiled for the first time since she came through my door, "Really?"

"I sure will. Don't worry about nothin'. I'm gonna take care of it all."

She hugged me real tight. "Oh, Obi, you like, totally rock! I knew you would help. You've always been my like my big brother. You know that, right?"

Of course I was gonna help! I didn't understand a whole lot of what she said, but it sounded to me like she was havin' a baby and Anakin thought I was the daddy. I don't know why he would think that, but he's perty smart and he'd have a good reason. Course, I don't remember doin' nuthin' with Padme that would make her have a baby. I don't remember walking through no cabbage patch with her or pettin' no stork or nuthin.

There was that one mission to Hoth where we went together in her ship and I accidentally used her toothbrush. Boy, was she mad! I had to apologize the whole trip, and... Anyway, that's enough, ain't it? To make a baby, I mean? Dang, I wish I had paid attention at them special health classes I had as a younglin when Yoda explained all that. All I remember is Yoda kept sayin, "Giggle not! Important this is! Reproduce, most of you little monsters should not, especially Kenobi. How to avoid that I am telling you! Stop laughing now, you must! Act mature for five minutes can you not?!"

Anyway, it don't matter. Anakin thinks I'm the daddy, and that's good enough for me. I'm gonna take care of my responsibilities.

So, anyway, that's when old Jar Jar came runnin through my door, tripping all over himself as usual. He was sayin' "Senator Amidala! Senator Amidala! Meesa have a very important message..."

"Jar Jar!" we both yelled, "look out for the..."

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

"... wood chipper."

Yeah, poor old Jar Jar fell staight in. Made a real clean sound, too. Rrrrrr Zzzzip! Jar Jar confetti.

We looked out the window to watch him blow away and Padme looked over at me and said, "You look heartbroken, Obi-wan. You must have really loved Jar Jar."

"It ain't that," I said, "It's that... well... now I ain't the second dumbest person around here no more."

Just then, off in the distance, ol' Mace screamed like a little girl.

*pics by Eric

Council of Doofuses

Spread out over the Republic the Jedi are. Stretched us thin the war has. Yet, arisen a dire situation has. The Council's immediate attention it demands. So called an emergency meeting was.

"Fellow members of the Council," I said, "relieved I am that come, so many of you could. Arisen, a very urgent matter has..."

"Sorry I'm late," Ki Adi Mundi's holographic transmission it was.

















"Master Mundi," I said, "see through you, I can! Hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

"Yes, well."

"Hee hee hee hee hee! Get it, do you? See through you I can! Hee hee hee hee!"

"OK, then."

"The matter what is, Mundi? Think it is funny you do not?"

"Oh, I thought it was quite humorous... the first seventeen times you said it."

"Made that joke before I have?"

"Master Yoda, you tell that joke at every Council meeting, every single time one of us attends via hologram. You really should have your mental acuity checked."

"Hmph! Forget this I will not! Anyway, on to the very urgent matter..."

"Hello? Hello? Can youns hear me now? Hello?" Kenobi's holographic transmission it was.

"Kenobi, take your finger off the button when done speaking you are..."

"Hello? Hello? Can youns hear me? I cain't hear none of youns."

"Kenobi! Your finger off the button take..."

"Hello? Can youns hear me?"

Across the vast stretch of space I reached with my mind... All the way to Kenobi I reached...

"YEOOOOWWWWW!"

A Force-wedgie I gave him.

"Kenobi, carefully to me listen. Your finger off the button you must take when speaking you are not. Otherwise, hear us you can not."

"OK, but now I cain't see none of youns."

"Turn around, Kenobi. The wrong way you are facing."

"Oh, yeah. I see youns now."

"Well, Kenobi, see through... uh, nevermind. Listen, everyone! A very urgent matter..."

SQUEEEEEEEAK!

"What the Mustafar is that?" Master T'un said.

"From outside that is. Jar Jar it is. Trying to pick up some extra credits by washing windows, he is."

"He's streaking up the windows."

"Surprised are you?"

"I guess not."

"Listen! A very, very urgent matter there is..."

Mundi interrupted, "For the love of the Force, man! What is it? I've almost used up my minutes for the month!"

"If interrupting me, everyone would stop, tell you I would! OK, here the urgent matter is... very dire the situation is... Broken, the ice cream machine in the Temple cafeteria is."

"Pardon me, Master Yoda," Master T'un said, "but shouldn't we discuss the Chancellor being kidnapped?"

"Fine! About something important I wanted to speak, but your way have it! Yes, kidnapped, the Chancellor has been. Abducted by..."

Just then, in Windu barged, "Sorry I'm late, man. What's all this about 'counting donkeys'?"

"No, Windu. Too much wax you have in your ears. Count Dooku, not 'counting donkeys'. Abducted Chancellor Palpatine, Count Dooku has."

"Oh, I guess that does make more sense."

"The question this raises," I said, "Do what about this, will we?"

"Whoa, man, I mean, just whoa!" Qui Gon Jinn said. To the meeting we had invited him, mostly because he would bring brownies, we hoped. Since invisible he is now, that he was there I almost forgot. "Like, what do you mean 'do what about this, will we'? We gotta go save Palps, man! We can't just let him die! That would be a total downer."

"Jinn," I said, "get us a batch of those brownies, would you?"

"Oh, uh, of course, Master."

Once his cowbell I could hear no longer, the Council I addressed again, "Really, should we do anything about this, the question is. I think the reason I ask this, we all know."

"It wrinkles my beautiful, shiny cranium to say this," Windu said, "but I agree with you. Palpatine is the Sith Lord. We all feel it. We all know it."

"Yes," Mundi agreed, "We all know this. We would be pretty stupid not to know it."

Windu nodded, "You got that right. We'd have to be idiots not to have figured that out after all these years! What with all of our Jedi wisdom and intuition, it wouldn't make any sense for us not to know! It... it... it would be like a really bad movie plot, or something!"

"But we can't prove it," Mundi added, "So, if we do nothing, and let the Chancellor die, we will be held accountable by the Republic. But if we save him, we will still have a Sith lord on our hands. And he will be more powerful than ever."

"Hello? Hello? I cain't hear youns no more. Hello?"

"Obi-wan," Windu said, "take your finger off... wait. Yoda, what are you doing? Have you cut off the sound to him?"

"A solution to our problem, I may have. Kenobi and Young Skywalker to rescue the Chancellor we will send."

"What?" Windu blurted.

"That's brilliant!" T'un said.

"Yes," Mundi agreed, "quite brilliant. Masterful, in fact."

"Yes, screw this up those two surely will. Rescue the Chancellor they will not. Already spanked by Dooku they have been. But see this, the people will not. Only that we have sent two of our 'best Jedi' to save the Chancellor they will see. Gone, the Sith lord will stay, and held accountable we will not be. Be solved, our problem will. Hmm... yes."

In agreement, the entire Council nodded.

Kenobi's sound I turned back on. "Kenobi, an important mission we have for you and Young Skywalker..."

Later, when about the mission Jinn heard, permission to go along, he asked. Hurt anything, it would not, I thought. Much good in a lightsaber fight Jinn never was. Always in his eyes, his long hippie hair would be.

Later, screaming we could hear outside the window, "Help! Meesa abouts to fallsa! Help!"

To the window we all ran.

From his harness, Jar Jar slipped and all the way to the ground he started to fall. On the way, struck by lightning several times he was. Then by several speeders he was hit. Then the ground he hit. A crater he made.

"Maybe he survived," Windu said, "there could be a chance."

Just then, over Jar Jar a steam roller rolled.

"There still might be a chance," Windu said.

Then, through the street a Bantha stampede ran.

"A Bantha stampede?" I said, "In the middle of Coruscant?"

Right on top of Jar Jar every single Bantha trampled.

"Well," T'un said, "that's something you don't see everyday."

"Now," Mundi interrupted, "about that ice cream machine..."