Friday, September 14, 2007

Mace Windu: Stand up and Sing

What the hell is going on in this place?! Sheeeooot! As you may all well know, I am not a complainer. I’m a problem solver. When things go wrong, I like for everyone to come together, sit down, and talk about it for hours on end. It’s called getting in touch with your feelings, fool. You should try it some time.

Unfortunately, no one likes to talk at any great length in the Jedi Temple, except for maybe Master Yoda, and who can understand what the hell he’s saying half the time anyway.

But the Jedi Temple has been besieged with practical jokers of late. And most of them for some unknown reason are directed at me. Something the Force decided not reveal to me until after the fact. What the hell are force visions good for after the fact.

Take the other day. Someone decided it would be funny to spread Chia seeds on my beautiful scalp while I was sleeping. For days I had little green leaves sprouting all over my once wonderful cranium. It was maddening! It took me weeks of scalp treatments, moisturizing and pruning to get back my glowing beautiful man skull. And even now it’s not at its peek shininess. My crainiumologist suggested I try this…

And you know, the damn things actually work! And not a moment too soon. You see, being a Jedi knight and a present in the universe for good is all well and all but a man needs to feel like a man sometimes. A man needs to get out among other men and shine in all his gloriousness sometimes. A man needs to sing!!

That’s right! That’s what I said! Sing! Do you have a problem with that? Does singing and the occasional dancing make you less of a man? I thought not.

That’s why I signed myself up at the local community theater. There I can sing and dance and wear tights like other real men.

In fact, I got the lead in the new musical rendition of “Hair”. Yeah, you heard me. But you see, I’m a natural entertainer. I can pull off anything including singing about hair. In fact, the director said I was perfect for the part.

Now if I can just get some of the other Jedi to join up we’ll have a regular Hoot-n-nanny, as the kids say.

I got to go now. There seems to be some trouble at the galactic senate that the Jedi have to address. Something about Senator Palpatine being abducted by a donkey that counts, or something like that. What in the world has the Jedi been reduced to?!? Saving people from counting donkeys?


A Army Of (Cl)One said...

All I can say is I hate these Mother Frakcing Donkeys, on the Mother Fracking caculator ... Just counting and counting.

Fluke Starbucker said...

HEY! I went and saw that production just the other day! Who was that goobersmoocher prancing around on stage shining that ridiculously bright, blinding spotlight into the audience? I couldn't see nothing past that guy.

Other than that: I thought it was good and had nice choruses. A real toe-tapper/knee-slapper, if ya know what I mean.

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

sex wax???

Skywalker said...

"There I can sing and dance and wear tights like other real men."

I'm not saying a fracking word on this.

Ok I'll will.

"I want to sing and dance and wear me shiny pants..."

Master Yoda said...

Counting donkeys, Windu?

Worry about a different kind of wax you must - ear wax.

Erifia Apoc said...

Sick and Wrong doesn't even begin to describe the whole situation...

Man, I hate Windu.