It is I, the lovely and talented C-3P0, for the triumphant return of C! Cybertainment Holovision, bringing you the freshest unfound truths of the galaxy.
And have we got a dish in this ish! It seems that there may be the pitter patter of little feet (Jawas and Ugnaughts need not apply) for the Galactic Senate's most beautiful and alluring senator, Mistress Padme Amidala!
We have a first hand, second rate report from Snuggpuggla Gagmag, a Gamorrean clerk at the Younglings-R-Us, at the Coruscanti Mall.
"She, and all her giggly preppie little clones, were looking at baby clothes and sighing a lot. She's so thin, she won't need maternity clothes. She could just do with a pair sweats. I hope she has twins and gets really fat."
Well wishers already! Well, we at C! (Cybertainment Holovision) hope that the rumours are true, as would make for a wonderful story!
Another great, never fact-checked, dish about the Maker himself, Knight Anakin Skywalker. It seems that local Jedi Temple staff have seen the young Knight munching on the new brands of Palpatines snacks, which, as you know, are forbidden to any Jedi. The council have ruled that these salty snacks are filled with preservatives, trans-fatty acids, and dark matter.
When questioned about this delightfully dark bit of rule-breaking, Master Yoda had this to say; "Out of my way, you will move, shiny droid. Nothing I have to say to you about Knight Anakin's deceptions or the fact that, grounded him we have. Without allowance. Hmmf. Spoiled his dinner he did."
Knight Skywalker is grounded? What a heavy handed punishment. We at C! (Cybertainment Holovision) certainly hope that this does not breed any discontentment in the Maker, but we do hope that there are a string of exciting events following this story for us to bring to you, our ravenous fans!
Lastly, we bring you breaking real legitimate actual news on the kidnapping of Chancellor Palpatine.
He was taken from his boring abode in the skyline of Coruscant, by a certain self-imposed Count of Sorenno (which no-one calls him), Jard Thelonius Buckminster Dooku, formerly of the Jedi Order, and now self-imposed Darth Tyrannus (which no-one calls him) is holding the doddering old man hostage.
It seems there is some bad blood between the two, since Dooku traded off his entire food empire for... Goodness, I cannot be processing this correctly. I must be malfunctioning. It says here that Dooku traded it all for a yo-yo.
That's just silly. Far too silly for my wonderful reports. We here at C! (Cybertainment Holovision) will actually have to fact-check that bit of information. It was brought to us by a certain R2-D2, and I know for certain that he is just a miss-wired pile of scrap. He keeps leaving his dirty towels in the botroom floor every morning.
(Written by Rebecca)