My Wood Chipper and Some Other Things

I was perty tired from all that fightin' droids and savin' old Palpatine and whatnot. So I decided to sit in my room awhile and relax with my wood chipper. There ain't nothin' makes me more relaxed than puttin' stuff in that there wood chipper and watchin' it fly out the window in a buncha little bitty pieces.

'Course, you gotta watch real close, 'cause stuff flies through that machine perty fast:

Six months of (mostly) empty pizza boxes? Throw 'em in there. Rrrrrrrr Zzzip! Pizza box confetti.

300 pounds of empty (really empty, licked clean and everything) Cheetos bags? Rrrrrrr Zzzzip! Cheetos bag confetti.

Yoda's sofa cushions that he likes to close up all fancy-like in plastic? Rrrrrr Zzzzzip! Sofa cushion confetti.

Sometimes, I try to do it around sunrise. That's when old Mace opens his window so he can look at the sun shine on his head or sumthin stupid like that. Anyway, if the wind is just right, all that stuff will blow right out from my wood chipper and right into his room. Just hearing him scream like a little girl makes all them credits I spend on them there monthly wood chipper payments worth it.

So I'm just sittin' there, enjoyin' my day when I hear somebody knockin' on my door. I figured it was Yoda come to tell me to knock off the noise and probably hit me in the head with his cane. So I decided to be real smart and trick him into thinkin' I wasn't there. "I ain't here!" I yelled.

"That ought to fool him," I thought.

But then I heard someone at the door say, "Obi-wan?"

It was Padme! I guess she didn't hear me when I said I wasn't there. So I told her to come in.

"Hey, Padme! Good to see you! How you been doin'? Good?"

She looked over at my wood chipper. "Ok, like, what is that?"

"That's my wood chipper! Ain't you never seen one of them before?"

"Why do you have a... ok, whatever. Listen, I've got something like, really, really important to talk to you about... like, really important."

"Look," I said, "I don't know how them there Cheetos got in your hot tub, or your water bed. It ain't like I come over to your apartment when you're gone and use your place and wear your bath robe or nothin' like that."

"No, it's not about... wait, what?"

"And because panty hose make good strainers and you were out of coffee filters don't mean I used your panty hose to make coffee. I mean that don't even make no sense..."

Padme put her hand up. "Ok, stop. You're totally creeping me out. Listen, I need to talk to you about something that's like a really, really big deal. So I need you to, like, you know, act normal for a couple of minutes and not act all weird or anything, 'kay?"

I could tell she was perty sad, almost like she was gettin ready to cry or sumthin. "What's the matter, Padme?"

Just then, she threw her arms around me and started bawling her eyes out all over my robe. She started sayin' sumthin, too. I couldn't understand most of it, but it sounded a lot like, "Oh Obi I'm gonna have a baby and Anakin is acting like totally lame about it and he says he's not the father and anybody could be the father he says even you could be the father can you imagine I mean no offense but as if I mean eww I mean come on and besides I wouldn't be unfaithful to Ani we're married for crying out loud oh did I forget to mention we're married yeah well anyway I'm totally bummed wait my nose is running snuuurk thanks anyway I don't know what to do I'm like totally alone what's this orange stain on your robe gross anyway I'm totally freaking out I like don't know what I'm going to do! WAAAAAAAAH!"

I held that little girl's face in my hands and said, "Don't worry, Darlin'. I'm gonna take care of everything."

She smiled for the first time since she came through my door, "Really?"

"I sure will. Don't worry about nothin'. I'm gonna take care of it all."

She hugged me real tight. "Oh, Obi, you like, totally rock! I knew you would help. You've always been my like my big brother. You know that, right?"

Of course I was gonna help! I didn't understand a whole lot of what she said, but it sounded to me like she was havin' a baby and Anakin thought I was the daddy. I don't know why he would think that, but he's perty smart and he'd have a good reason. Course, I don't remember doin' nuthin' with Padme that would make her have a baby. I don't remember walking through no cabbage patch with her or pettin' no stork or nuthin.

There was that one mission to Hoth where we went together in her ship and I accidentally used her toothbrush. Boy, was she mad! I had to apologize the whole trip, and... Anyway, that's enough, ain't it? To make a baby, I mean? Dang, I wish I had paid attention at them special health classes I had as a younglin when Yoda explained all that. All I remember is Yoda kept sayin, "Giggle not! Important this is! Reproduce, most of you little monsters should not, especially Kenobi. How to avoid that I am telling you! Stop laughing now, you must! Act mature for five minutes can you not?!"

Anyway, it don't matter. Anakin thinks I'm the daddy, and that's good enough for me. I'm gonna take care of my responsibilities.

So, anyway, that's when old Jar Jar came runnin through my door, tripping all over himself as usual. He was sayin' "Senator Amidala! Senator Amidala! Meesa have a very important message..."

"Jar Jar!" we both yelled, "look out for the..."

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

"... wood chipper."

Yeah, poor old Jar Jar fell staight in. Made a real clean sound, too. Rrrrrr Zzzzip! Jar Jar confetti.

We looked out the window to watch him blow away and Padme looked over at me and said, "You look heartbroken, Obi-wan. You must have really loved Jar Jar."

"It ain't that," I said, "It's that... well... now I ain't the second dumbest person around here no more."

Just then, off in the distance, ol' Mace screamed like a little girl.

*pics by Eric