Monday, September 24, 2007

Council of Doofuses

Spread out over the Republic the Jedi are. Stretched us thin the war has. Yet, arisen a dire situation has. The Council's immediate attention it demands. So called an emergency meeting was.

"Fellow members of the Council," I said, "relieved I am that come, so many of you could. Arisen, a very urgent matter has..."

"Sorry I'm late," Ki Adi Mundi's holographic transmission it was.

"Master Mundi," I said, "see through you, I can! Hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

"Yes, well."

"Hee hee hee hee hee! Get it, do you? See through you I can! Hee hee hee hee!"

"OK, then."

"The matter what is, Mundi? Think it is funny you do not?"

"Oh, I thought it was quite humorous... the first seventeen times you said it."

"Made that joke before I have?"

"Master Yoda, you tell that joke at every Council meeting, every single time one of us attends via hologram. You really should have your mental acuity checked."

"Hmph! Forget this I will not! Anyway, on to the very urgent matter..."

"Hello? Hello? Can youns hear me now? Hello?" Kenobi's holographic transmission it was.

"Kenobi, take your finger off the button when done speaking you are..."

"Hello? Hello? Can youns hear me? I cain't hear none of youns."

"Kenobi! Your finger off the button take..."

"Hello? Can youns hear me?"

Across the vast stretch of space I reached with my mind... All the way to Kenobi I reached...


A Force-wedgie I gave him.

"Kenobi, carefully to me listen. Your finger off the button you must take when speaking you are not. Otherwise, hear us you can not."

"OK, but now I cain't see none of youns."

"Turn around, Kenobi. The wrong way you are facing."

"Oh, yeah. I see youns now."

"Well, Kenobi, see through... uh, nevermind. Listen, everyone! A very urgent matter..."


"What the Mustafar is that?" Master T'un said.

"From outside that is. Jar Jar it is. Trying to pick up some extra credits by washing windows, he is."

"He's streaking up the windows."

"Surprised are you?"

"I guess not."

"Listen! A very, very urgent matter there is..."

Mundi interrupted, "For the love of the Force, man! What is it? I've almost used up my minutes for the month!"

"If interrupting me, everyone would stop, tell you I would! OK, here the urgent matter is... very dire the situation is... Broken, the ice cream machine in the Temple cafeteria is."

"Pardon me, Master Yoda," Master T'un said, "but shouldn't we discuss the Chancellor being kidnapped?"

"Fine! About something important I wanted to speak, but your way have it! Yes, kidnapped, the Chancellor has been. Abducted by..."

Just then, in Windu barged, "Sorry I'm late, man. What's all this about 'counting donkeys'?"

"No, Windu. Too much wax you have in your ears. Count Dooku, not 'counting donkeys'. Abducted Chancellor Palpatine, Count Dooku has."

"Oh, I guess that does make more sense."

"The question this raises," I said, "Do what about this, will we?"

"Whoa, man, I mean, just whoa!" Qui Gon Jinn said. To the meeting we had invited him, mostly because he would bring brownies, we hoped. Since invisible he is now, that he was there I almost forgot. "Like, what do you mean 'do what about this, will we'? We gotta go save Palps, man! We can't just let him die! That would be a total downer."

"Jinn," I said, "get us a batch of those brownies, would you?"

"Oh, uh, of course, Master."

Once his cowbell I could hear no longer, the Council I addressed again, "Really, should we do anything about this, the question is. I think the reason I ask this, we all know."

"It wrinkles my beautiful, shiny cranium to say this," Windu said, "but I agree with you. Palpatine is the Sith Lord. We all feel it. We all know it."

"Yes," Mundi agreed, "We all know this. We would be pretty stupid not to know it."

Windu nodded, "You got that right. We'd have to be idiots not to have figured that out after all these years! What with all of our Jedi wisdom and intuition, it wouldn't make any sense for us not to know! It... it... it would be like a really bad movie plot, or something!"

"But we can't prove it," Mundi added, "So, if we do nothing, and let the Chancellor die, we will be held accountable by the Republic. But if we save him, we will still have a Sith lord on our hands. And he will be more powerful than ever."

"Hello? Hello? I cain't hear youns no more. Hello?"

"Obi-wan," Windu said, "take your finger off... wait. Yoda, what are you doing? Have you cut off the sound to him?"

"A solution to our problem, I may have. Kenobi and Young Skywalker to rescue the Chancellor we will send."

"What?" Windu blurted.

"That's brilliant!" T'un said.

"Yes," Mundi agreed, "quite brilliant. Masterful, in fact."

"Yes, screw this up those two surely will. Rescue the Chancellor they will not. Already spanked by Dooku they have been. But see this, the people will not. Only that we have sent two of our 'best Jedi' to save the Chancellor they will see. Gone, the Sith lord will stay, and held accountable we will not be. Be solved, our problem will. Hmm... yes."

In agreement, the entire Council nodded.

Kenobi's sound I turned back on. "Kenobi, an important mission we have for you and Young Skywalker..."

Later, when about the mission Jinn heard, permission to go along, he asked. Hurt anything, it would not, I thought. Much good in a lightsaber fight Jinn never was. Always in his eyes, his long hippie hair would be.

Later, screaming we could hear outside the window, "Help! Meesa abouts to fallsa! Help!"

To the window we all ran.

From his harness, Jar Jar slipped and all the way to the ground he started to fall. On the way, struck by lightning several times he was. Then by several speeders he was hit. Then the ground he hit. A crater he made.

"Maybe he survived," Windu said, "there could be a chance."

Just then, over Jar Jar a steam roller rolled.

"There still might be a chance," Windu said.

Then, through the street a Bantha stampede ran.

"A Bantha stampede?" I said, "In the middle of Coruscant?"

Right on top of Jar Jar every single Bantha trampled.

"Well," T'un said, "that's something you don't see everyday."

"Now," Mundi interrupted, "about that ice cream machine..."


Jawa Juice said...

So how come Ki-Mundy is always calling in on the holonet? He’s never there in person. What is he doing that’s so damn important that he can’t attend a Jedi meeting like the rest of them?

Oh, damn. And I missed the running of the Banthas again?

Jar Jar Binks said...

Meesa still okeyday, Master! Meesa flattered yousa all worryen so much of me.

Meesa will always come back, yousa not have to worry!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Your Jedi wedgies can reach across space and time? You are more powerful than I thought!

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

No no no, it's who is Master Mundi doing. He has what,5, 6 wives? He's a busy man.

Awesome plan, nothing could possibly go wrong. Plan B's are for suckers ;)

Skywalker said...

"about that ice cream machine..."

What about it? Force don't take it out!

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

Do you really wantot send Anakin? I mean... that could get ugly.

p.s. funny!!!!

Ce Ce Denowai said...

About the ice cream machine, I did see some wanna be younglings were overly using it after lunch one day.

As for it being broken, Master. Well now that may not be the case. Might want to try and adding more mix first and see if that fixes the problem.

Fluke Starbucker said...

Yoda! Good to hear from you!

Uh, I can probably fix that ice cream machine for a clean slate.

That's a bargain! Think about it, would ya?

Master Yoda said...

Young Starbucker,

If detailing my speeder you throw in, a deal you have.

Vegeta said...

Oh great Jar jar is immortal

Spider-man said...

I'd be more worried about Jar-Jar being immortal, but I'm the ice-cream machine is keeping me on the edge of my seat. YODA! I GOTTA KNOW! DID YOU FIX IT>?!?!?

Master Yoda said...

(say the "s-word" I can not, scared of those things I am)

Our highest priority, the ice cream machine is. Assigned a special committee to study the proper method of choosing the committee who will choose the right contractor to fix the machine, we have.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I will say this once again. Master Yoda, when trying to get Ice Cream out of the machine try talking to the machine first.

If the machine says “I am not a ice cream machine, I am a clone trooper” STOP PULLING ON THE HANDLE.

Also Ice Cream machines were not installed at the entrance to all of the Public Buildings on Coruscant. Those are Clone Troopers. So again, STOP TRYING TO PULL ON THE HANDLES.*

*This does not apply to Dark Jedi Kriss, who is allowed.

TX said...

RLMBO TAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!